hopeless // khalid
i am so beyond sick and tired of everything. i am exhausted. truly exhausted emotionally and physically. last night when i was writing i was fine at first, awake and everything, then all as i was realizing how badly i want to end things my body became limp. i seriously felt such exhaustion that i have never felt so heavily before. i immediately went to sleep after posting.
it is so odd to me that i cannot stop thinking about it. but i am thinking about how every day this past month i have been sleeping in until the literal last minute, and laying down at every possible chance. my depression has never been this bad. i don’t pay attention when i drive, i am just zoned out the entire time no matter where i am going. i want this to be my last month alive, but i know i won’t be brave enough to really do it.
my friend that i love with my entirety, but argue with consistently is really getting to me the last few days. i posted partially about her yesterday (not the one who attempted). she is always trying to fact check me about my own fucking self and start petty little arguments and i am not dealing with it. i just want to say “hey remember yesterday when i told you how bad i want to die, but you didn’t answer me??? okay yes? so that’s what i will do to you about your issues from now on.”
and i am an object. i went to the bank today, my whole situation that i am trying to figure out was postponed, even though i;m already months past when i should’ve dealt with my situation so i sat in the parking lot and cried. i argued with my manager before i even left for work. but then i told myself “hmm nothing a coffee can’t fix” so i went to a local coffe shop, sat in the drive thru for 10 minutes, only to get to the window and not even be looked at for another 5. it’s not a customer service issue with them. it’s that people don’t see me. ..
then here i am trying to make plans for tonight. i invite my friend as i talked about above, she says no. whatever. i invite 3 more people who are all iffy. well then i convince them yes and tell one to invite another. so the friend i initially invited texts me after trying to fight w me and says “well ***** and ***** want me to go so i may.” FIRST OFF, okay so you are going to go just because they want you to, but when i asked you it’s too much of a task to spend time with me . i seee. SECOND, why is the person i invited through 3 other people, inviting people?? no one would even fucking know about this if I hadn’t said anything to them about it. literally i am a fucking object for no one to look at.
i basically tweeted i wanted to die today and 2 people replied and said no, but didn’t even text me to be sure. lol. i don’t expect people to be falling over themselves to be concerned about me, but i would hope people aren’t so cold hearted as to let a “close friend” be so upset as i am. clearly i don’t know a single person as well as i thought i did, but it’s fine. truly. they will be the bystanders to my death and i will leave a note for each and every one of them.
i’m gonna go get really drunk now.