hypocrites

fake love // drake

honestly what the fuck. all my friends are fucking shitty. always on twitter retweeting shit about “if you ever feel bad or need someone to talk to i will be here suicide is not the answer.”   ……….um the fuck it’s not for me when i have you as friends???

i have told all of my closest friends about how depressed i am and how i want to die and they genuinely think i am just “problematic”. that is the fucking word they use. are you kidding me???? no. i have been diagnosed with chronic depression. i quit taking my medicine, they all are well aware of that considering we JUST started talking again because they all dropped me when i stopped taking my meds.

my heart just hurts so bad. i hate the feeling of intentionally being ignored and uninvited to things. i am truly heartbroken by my friends and just everything in general. one asked me today what was wrong and i said i’m sick of living and i didn’t even get a response. at this point i don’t fucking care. i do so much shit for everyone and listen to all of their dumb fucking relationship drama and bullshit and no one can take 20 minutes to attempt to talk me out of killing myself. i am so sick of this. i am sick of taking the backseat to everyone and in everyones lives.

i am in my bed bawling my eyes out while they are out having fun together, likely discussing how fucking problematic i am to them. i know i’m a burden to people. i really do, but i had higher hopes that my friends, or the people i call my friends would be an ounce concerned. idk what to do anymore and i know i keep saying that.

one of my best friends that i loved with all of my heart attempted suicide and here i am, distraught. trying to find out what;s going on and if she is okay from her family and all this shit. then i see her out today with all the people that lead her to that point… i don’t understand. what the fuck is it about me that steers everyone so far away despite all of the things that i do for them. i cannot deal with it. everything hurts too bad. i just want to cy my eyes dry and lay deep deep under blankets. maybe i’ll suffocate if i’m lucky.

if anyone is even reading this and is worried, don’t be.  i won;t actually kill myself because i am too scared to, but i wish i wasn’t. i really wish i wasn’t, but if that were the case then i would have been dead years ago. i just need a change i need to find someone. something.

 

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