crumbling

in the grace of your love // the rapture

i wish that my life wasn’t so fucking pointless. honestly i don’t know what to do anymore. i deal with adult children every hour of every day and i am so beyond sick of it.

i want to cry every last tear, i want to scream with everything i have, i want to bleed every last drop, i want to breathe every last breath.

there is no getting out of this. i have no way to accomplish what i need to. i am a fucking failure, there is no right that i can possibly do. there is ultimately no universe where i can please a single person and it hurts me so bad. my chest hurts because i am such a let down to everyone, including myself.

i want to shut down completely. i had one sole reason for keeping myself going, and now that reason is slowly slipping away and its the only reason i am even here typing these words on my slow ass computer.

no one will ever love me in a romantic sense, no one will ever appreciate my being and no one will ever understand me. i don’t even understand myself in the slightest. i am so empty, i don’t get it. i sometimes think i am a sociopath because i lack empathy, but then i remember how fucking sad i am for myself and know that it just can’t be. i hurt so so badly.     *plants tend to make me feel an ounce better

i just want to be happy that is it. i long to, be.

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