exhausted

hopeless // khalid

i am so beyond sick and tired of everything. i am exhausted. truly exhausted emotionally and physically. last night when i was writing i was fine at first, awake and everything, then all as i was realizing how badly i want to end things my body became limp. i seriously felt such exhaustion that i have never felt so heavily before. i immediately went to sleep after posting.

it is so odd to me that i cannot stop thinking about it. but i am thinking about how every day this past month i have been sleeping in until the literal last minute, and laying down at every possible chance. my depression has never been this bad. i don’t pay attention when i drive, i am just zoned out the entire time no matter where i am going. i want this to be my last month alive, but i know i won’t be brave enough to really do it.

my friend that i love with my entirety, but argue with consistently is really getting to me the last few days. i posted partially about her yesterday (not the one who attempted). she is always trying to fact check me about my own fucking self and start petty little arguments and i am not dealing with it. i just want to say “hey remember yesterday when i told you how bad i want to die, but you didn’t answer me??? okay yes? so that’s what i will do to you about your issues from now on.”

and i am an object. i went to the bank today, my whole situation that i am trying to figure out was postponed, even though i;m already months past when i should’ve dealt with my situation so i sat in the parking lot and cried. i argued with my manager before i even left for work. but then i told myself  “hmm nothing a coffee can’t fix” so i went to a local coffe shop, sat in the drive thru for 10 minutes, only to get to the window and not even be looked at for another 5. it’s not a customer service issue with them. it’s that people don’t see me. ..

then here i am trying to make plans for tonight. i invite my friend as i talked about above, she says no. whatever. i invite 3 more people who are all iffy. well then i convince them yes and tell one to invite another. so the friend i initially invited texts me after trying to fight w me and says “well ***** and ***** want me to go so i may.” FIRST OFF, okay so you are going to go just because they want you to, but when i asked you it’s too much of a task to spend time with me . i seee. SECOND, why is the person i invited through 3 other people, inviting people?? no one would even fucking know about this if I hadn’t said anything to them about it. literally i am a fucking object for no one to look at.

i basically tweeted i wanted to die today and 2 people replied and said no, but didn’t even text me to be sure. lol. i don’t expect people to be falling over themselves to be concerned about me, but i would hope people aren’t so cold hearted as to let a “close friend” be so upset as i am. clearly i don’t know a single person as well as i thought i did, but it’s fine. truly. they will be the bystanders to my death and i will leave a note for each and every one of them.

i’m gonna go get really drunk now.

hypocrites

fake love // drake

honestly what the fuck. all my friends are fucking shitty. always on twitter retweeting shit about “if you ever feel bad or need someone to talk to i will be here suicide is not the answer.”   ……….um the fuck it’s not for me when i have you as friends???

i have told all of my closest friends about how depressed i am and how i want to die and they genuinely think i am just “problematic”. that is the fucking word they use. are you kidding me???? no. i have been diagnosed with chronic depression. i quit taking my medicine, they all are well aware of that considering we JUST started talking again because they all dropped me when i stopped taking my meds.

my heart just hurts so bad. i hate the feeling of intentionally being ignored and uninvited to things. i am truly heartbroken by my friends and just everything in general. one asked me today what was wrong and i said i’m sick of living and i didn’t even get a response. at this point i don’t fucking care. i do so much shit for everyone and listen to all of their dumb fucking relationship drama and bullshit and no one can take 20 minutes to attempt to talk me out of killing myself. i am so sick of this. i am sick of taking the backseat to everyone and in everyones lives.

i am in my bed bawling my eyes out while they are out having fun together, likely discussing how fucking problematic i am to them. i know i’m a burden to people. i really do, but i had higher hopes that my friends, or the people i call my friends would be an ounce concerned. idk what to do anymore and i know i keep saying that.

one of my best friends that i loved with all of my heart attempted suicide and here i am, distraught. trying to find out what;s going on and if she is okay from her family and all this shit. then i see her out today with all the people that lead her to that point… i don’t understand. what the fuck is it about me that steers everyone so far away despite all of the things that i do for them. i cannot deal with it. everything hurts too bad. i just want to cy my eyes dry and lay deep deep under blankets. maybe i’ll suffocate if i’m lucky.

if anyone is even reading this and is worried, don’t be.  i won;t actually kill myself because i am too scared to, but i wish i wasn’t. i really wish i wasn’t, but if that were the case then i would have been dead years ago. i just need a change i need to find someone. something.

 

oops

okay so really sorry about not posting at all yesterday it was a horrible day and i went to bed the second i got home from work. also not really sure who all i am saying sorry to, but yes sorry lol.

i’m not sure what all i can even explain right now because my last couple hours weren’t misery (crazy right??) but really quick i do want to say thank u to people liking my stuff and following me and the few comments i have gotten! it has made my life an ounce less tedious and dreadful. i can’t lie. and to answer one of the comments i saw about not rushing into a relationship or anything like that…. DONT WORRY!!!

i am basically going to be alone forever and i have accepted it, but sometimes i get sad spells where i literally just want to be done being alone and be with someone and be happy with someone and be in love. i don’t know if i believe in love just yet, but i guess if it is real then congrats to people who have it.

i don’t want to get married i don’t think i want kids, but i’m all too young to officially decide anything right now so my thoughts are trivial.

aside from all this i am beyond stressed out and overwhelmed. idk what to do anymore i feel so stuck in the situation that i am currently in and i need something to change before i break completely. i neeed new i need something at all. whether it be more money, a new job, cheaper bills, better friends, a secret fling, more confidence, to lose weight, a new home. anything i just know that i need something because i will not be able to carry on much longer in the state that i am in emotionally.

crumbling

in the grace of your love // the rapture

i wish that my life wasn’t so fucking pointless. honestly i don’t know what to do anymore. i deal with adult children every hour of every day and i am so beyond sick of it.

i want to cry every last tear, i want to scream with everything i have, i want to bleed every last drop, i want to breathe every last breath.

there is no getting out of this. i have no way to accomplish what i need to. i am a fucking failure, there is no right that i can possibly do. there is ultimately no universe where i can please a single person and it hurts me so bad. my chest hurts because i am such a let down to everyone, including myself.

i want to shut down completely. i had one sole reason for keeping myself going, and now that reason is slowly slipping away and its the only reason i am even here typing these words on my slow ass computer.

no one will ever love me in a romantic sense, no one will ever appreciate my being and no one will ever understand me. i don’t even understand myself in the slightest. i am so empty, i don’t get it. i sometimes think i am a sociopath because i lack empathy, but then i remember how fucking sad i am for myself and know that it just can’t be. i hurt so so badly.     *plants tend to make me feel an ounce better

i just want to be happy that is it. i long to, be.

alright

love sick // banks

i think i will post the current song i am listening to because idk just because i guess. okay so i’m honestly not sure where to begin because i am truly just letting my mind flow into my fingers right now and i just know that i have been wanting to do this forever. not to be lame as fuck, but i guess i will start with the relatable shit.
i am alone. in all aspects. and it is not basic ass typical teenage angst. i am genuinely alone and i honestly cannot cope with it any longer and i am to my breaking point. i want to be done, just so so beyond done with everything, but i also want to be so aware of everything and experience all kinds of feelings and, unfortunately to say, emotions. i fucking hate emotions.. hate is an emotion i guess, but i’m sure you know what i mean okay. i just want to feel, i want to BE. i guess i will clarify something for you really quick. i am a virgin and i think it is sad. it is so sad for me, like this is the actual opposite of what i want lmao. and i am not all about romance so i couldn’t tell you why this is. i definitely don’t think i’m any sort of hot, but i know i’m not horribly ugly so idk i know the reason honestly, but that will have to be another story for another day.  when i say virgin i also mean in the physical sense, i know for a fact i am more experienced than quite a few people i know. yet again, this will have to be saved for another day lol sorry.

this will be my outlet i think.

 

first post!

okay, so i would like to start by saying that basically nothing i post will be capitalized properly unless i genuinely am caring enough at the moment to deal with it. Also, not sure exactly what i want to post and i am sure if this just so happens to pick up any traction whatsoever, then i may move to a larger site or maybe just actually waste the scrounged amount of money i have on upgrading myself on this site. also don’t count this as my first post bc i want to make an actual post about my day n shit so you can actually see what my stuff will be like k